Breakthrough: Woman Invents Fax-Based Teleportation, Plans 35-Year Moon Vacation

December 13, 2025

In a stunning development that has left quantum physicists scrambling to update their résumés and fax machine repairmen suddenly relevant again, basement innovator Jenny SeaMonkey announced today that she has cracked interstellar teleportation using nothing more than two dusty fax modems, a pair of modified shop vacuums, and an unbreakable spirit of "I've had it up to here with this weird planet."

Ms. SeaMonkey, 34, who describes her occupation as "professional sufferer of Earth's nonsense," revealed her groundbreaking "FaxPort" system in an exclusive interview conducted entirely via handwritten note slid under her apartment door (she was busy vacuuming light particles at the time).

How It Works (Allegedly)

The process is elegantly simple—or simply elegant, depending on your tolerance for 1990s office equipment:

1. Step into a repurposed closet or kitchen cabinet equipped with a holographic vacuum chamber (a shop vac with Christmas lights glued to it and "HOLOGRAPHIC" written in Sharpie).
2. Activate the chamber, which heroically sucks all matter and light into analogue wave information.
3. This information is converted into ancient AT command data and transmitted over No-Name VOIP Unlimited—the legendary $4/month plan offering unlimited calling to the Lower 48 and "pennies to a dollar" everywhere else (international rates to the Moon TBD).
4. At the receiving end, another holographic vacuum reverses the process: AT commands → sound waves → light waves → Jenny, fully reassembled and slightly staticky.

A critical magnetic field generated by what appears to be refrigerator magnets arranged in a "science pattern" ensures proper translation during the "complete vacuumization horizon." When pressed for details, Ms. SeaMonkey simply said, "It's the part where the whooshy sound happens. You wouldn't get it."

Proof of Concept

In a triumphant proof-of-concept trial, Jenny successfully teleported herself approximately ten yards—from her bedroom closet to her kitchen cabinet—in a brisk 10 minutes at the blistering speed of 14.4 baud.

Witnesses (her cat, Mr. Whiskers, who refused comment) reported hearing a sound "like a dial-up modem having an existential crisis" followed by Jenny emerging triumphantly from the cabinet, covered in cereal boxes and declaring, "The future is now, losers!"

Next Stop: Kepler's Moon Resort (BYOV—Bring Your Own Vacuum)

Emboldened by her basement success, Ms. SeaMonkey has set her sights on a more ambitious destination: the Moon orbiting Kepler (presumably Kepler-452b's moon, though she clarified, "Whichever one looks nicest in the pictures").

There's just one small hurdle: someone needs to physically deliver and set up the receiving holographic vacuum chamber on site.

Her solution? Build a ship, fly it there, install the equipment, and then fax herself over.

Projected timeline: 35 years.

"I figure by then," Jenny explained while adjusting a coil of phone cord, "No-Name VOIP will have lunar coverage, or I'll just route it through Canada. Pennies to a dollar, baby."

When asked about potential inhabitants already on Kepler's moon, Ms. SeaMonkey was optimistic: "If anyone's there, hopefully they like guests. I'll bring snacks. The non-perishable kind—faxing fresh guacamole sounds... messy."

NASA could not be reached for comment, though sources say agency officials are frantically searching eBay for "working fax machine lot" and "shop vac holographic upgrade kit."

Critics have called the technology "impossible," "dangerous," and "a fire hazard," but Jenny remains undeterred.

"People laughed at the Wright brothers," she said, emerging from her closet portal with a triumphant puff of dust. "And people laughed at the guy who invented dial-up. Now look—who's laughing? Probably still them, but whatever. I'll be on the moon."

More on this story as it develops, assuming the transmission completes before 2060.