In a shocking leak that's got even the goldfoil hat crowd buzzing louder than a swarm of genetically modified locusts, whistleblowers from the shadowy corridors of the World Economical Front (WEF, for those still pretending it's just a fancy Davos cocktail party) have dropped the bombshell blueprint for humanity's dietary destiny. Forget your grandma's food pyramid with its quaint base of bread and pasta – this one's a towering testament to perpetual profit, where microplastics form the unbreakable foundation, and anti-depressants crown the top like a cherry on a Sunday of sorrow.

At the base layer is piled high with microplastics – those sneaky, invisible hitchhikers in everything from bottled water to your morning coffee. Not required FDA labeling as they are intentionally "unintentional," these tiny terrors evade disclosure laws like a politician dodging on their property taxes, embedding themselves in our guts and allegedly fueling a nationwide craving for mood-boosters and flavor enhancers. As one anonymous source quipped, "It's not contamination; it's profit's confetti!"

Climbing the pyramid, we hit the mid-tier trifecta: soy, seed oils, and insects. Soy's everywhere – in your latte, your burger patty and can of tuna, even your "dairy-free" dreams – courtesy of Big Ag's endless fields of the stuff. Seed oils? Those slippery villains from corn and canola, once hailed as heart-healthy heroes, now whispered to be inflammation instigators in the great American health heist. And bugs? Oh, the WEF's been singing their praises since 2016, touting edible insects as the protein of the future in reports like "Edible Insects: Future Prospects for Food and Feed Security." Why slaughter cows when you can crunch crickets? It's sustainable, they say – or as critics counter, "sustainably profitable for the overlords who own the farms."

But here's the juicy plot twist that's got conspiracy connoisseurs salivating: the pyramid's peak isn't just anti-depressants (because nothing pairs with existential dread like a daily dose of pharma bliss). No, the real "exit strategy" for the elite is insect-fed fish – those privileged piscine delicacies raised on black soldier fly larvae and other buggy banquets. While the masses munch on microplastic-laced meals that supposedly drive us to the pill bottle, the in-the-know nibble on sustainably farmed salmon and trout, bolstered by insect protein that's hailed in aquaculture circles for boosting growth rates, immune systems, and eco-cred. Studies from sources like the Journal of Aquaculture tout this as the wave of the future, transforming fish feed from ocean-depleting fishmeal to land-based larvae luxury. Little wonder it's only available to those with Davos VIP passes – after all, why share the health hack that could collapse the whole cycle?

Of course, the WEF denies any such pyramid exists, dismissing it as "satirical misinformation" from meme lords on platforms like Reddit and Facebook. But with posts across X linking microplastics to parasitic plastispheres and mood-altering demons, and even claims of bioweaponized bugs in our air and food, one can't help but wonder: is this the menu for a New World Odor where no claims their silent but deadly fart?

As the masses awaken to this alleged scheme – or laugh it off over a soy latte – remember, folks: in the game of eternal profit, you're either at the table or on it. Bon appétit, or should we say, bug appétit? Stay tuned for more fresh scoops from the underbelly of the elite eatery.

Do not forget to butter your garlic cloves. They may soon be in short supply.